On overcoming barriers to collaboration; how high can you jump before you decide to walk round them?

Having picked up my bloggers pen again it seems I cannot put it down. Maybe its the fact that writing about it helps me to sleep at night or perhaps it is that when I am writing, I am not arguing and falling out with people (there’s been a lot of that in my working life recently). Whichever it is, here I am again, pondering on the political, musing on the miserable and generally trying to understand what barriers we face to building a better, more collaborative world for our children to grow up in.

This week I have been assisted in my thinking by the arrival of a DWP commissioned report called Collaborative Parenting; Barriers Faced by Separated Fathers. Commissioned by the Child Maintenance and Enforcement Commission, this report seeks to inform the co-ordination of new services for separated and separating parents. On receiving the report my hopes rose as I felt that here might be the research that gives fathers a voice, particularly those fathers whose voices have most often been heard coming from inside a batman suit or spiderman costume. Confusingly however, the research was undertaken ‘in particular with disadvantaged and Black and Minority Ethnic (BME) fathers, the reason given being that these dads are less likely to access services. I started to feel a bit anxious at this point, when the title of a report is Barriers faced by separated fathers, one is lead to believe that finally, the barriers to fatherhood are being recognised. To find that this is qualified by an examination of a specific group because they are ‘less likely to access services‘ leads one to fear what is coming next. I was right to brace myself.

The aim of the study was to

study how separated and separating fathers could be positively influenced to work together with the other parent in the best interest of their child and to access support services where possible.’

which says it all really. Rather than examining the external barriers to collaboration, the legislation, the enactment of the legislation, the cultural and environmental impacts and the behaviour of the mother of the children a father is to be ‘positively influenced into collaborating with’, this report instead tells us that it is the father and his inherent self that is to be examined. For it is he, and his failure to access services which causes the barrier to collaboration.

I was so disappointed in this report, which came so near and yet remains so far away from the reality of what happens when parents separate.

Yes fathers are less likely to access services, some with good reason –  (who wants to telephone a helpline only to be told ‘we can’t help you, you are not the primary parent?’ Source – Mystery Shopping for CSF in 2010),

or be told, ‘why do you want to share care, is it because you are trying to avoid your child maintenance payments’. source – Mystery shopping for CSF in 2011.

Both organisations that were telephoned in our annual mystery shopping tests, turned away fathers who were sharing care of their children,  whilst the second one compounded the issue by asking questions which left our shopper feeling judged and discriminated against.

The report doesn’t tell us anything new. Frontline services are all configured around and driven towards mothers and are delivered in ways that make it easy for mothers to access them. Services do no acknowledge masculinity, men feel uncomfortable asking for help, feelings of low mood, unhappiness, all of which are compounded by the feeling that the only role a father has after separation is to pay for his children.

The study concludes that

‘separated fathers in challenging circumstances feel there are a number of barriers to them being able to effectively engage in a relationship with their child and their child’s mother.’

I would reframe that and say that separated fathers find themselves in challenging circumstances simply because they are separated fathers. These challenging circumstances are less to do with their being able to effectively engage in a relationship with their child and more to do with the fact that at each and every step of the post separation journey, fathers are asked to jump barriers to that effective engagement. This is not just a problem for disadvantaged dads and BME fathers, this is a problem for every separated father who would like to remain more than just a cash point to his kids.

Having had a thorough dose of conflict recently, I have begun to learn that battering the door to perception down, is less to do with how much effort one puts into to forcing people to listen to one’s opinion and more to do with showing people how one’s opinion is translated into reality.

For that reason I have been trying to find ways of showing people how things can be done differently and how those external barriers to fatherhood can be overcome simply by developing a different way of working with families.

At the Centre for Separated Families, we have been working with separated parents and their children for over a decade. In that time we have developed and delivered a wide range of services that support parents to work together. We chose this way of working when we realised that the law of this land around family separation, is designed to make sure that mothers care for children and fathers provide for them. We analysed layer upon layer of legislation and the way it is enacted, studying historical design of Family Allowance (Child Benefit) and the way in which this acts as a gateway to ensure that mothers care and fathers provide for children. In that decade or more of study, I have grown tired of saying that unless we change that central tenet, nothing else will change and so we took up our tools and built our own support services for mums and dads, in ways that meet their real needs and not the needs that other people tell them that they have.

Our services across the country are delivered in partnership with other organisations who also understand the need to bypass the gendered legislation that says mothers should care and fathers should provide. This has enabled us to begin a wide scale process of demonstrating change. In 2011, Maria Miller, the then Minister responsible for reform of the Child Maintenance System, visited our Isle of Wight Project and we were able to show her, how it is possible, by working together with other people who understand the needs of separated families, to bring about a different outcome, for parents and their children.

The point of this tale is that when you understand the barriers to mothers and fathers collaborating, it is but a short step away from helping them to do so. As the government moves to developing co-ordinated services to help parents to collaborate, the biggest lesson to learn is that the families we work with are no different in their needs, aspirations, hopes and dreams to every other family in the land. Parents on the whole, want to work together for the sake of their children, they just find it hard to achieve that when the barriers in the outside world are set so high. They also find it hard when they are continuously being confronted with the division into a caring parent and a providing parent. I have said before, mothers and fathers do not wake up on the morning of their separation tattooed with Parent With Care and Non Resident Parent across their foreheads. We put those labels on them, we put the barriers to their collaboration in their way and we design the legislation that raises those barriers ever higher. If we want parents to collaborate, we would do well to take responsibility for that before we start locating the problem in the parents themselves.

Working with separating parents in ways that promote and support collaboration between them is not difficult. It can be tiring and frustrating at times but it is not difficult. Acknowledging to a father that he faces the barriers of financial disadvantage, housing problems, cultural expectation that he will provide rather than care for his children and helping him to work out what, within that set of disadvantages he can and cannot change is a far cry from telling dads that all they need to do is seek help and their collaborative potential will be improved. Dads are often angry when they reach services and often justifiably so. Telling a dad who has jumped over barriers so high he is exhausted, that he needs to be ‘positively influenced’ to collaborate will simply compound his anger and his frustration not help it.

The barriers to collaboration lie outside of fatherhood and outside of motherhood too because many mothers also find it deeply frustrating to have to contend with the label primary carer. Within the separation journey are so many pot holes and so many barriers that I sometimes wonder how anyone, anywhere at anytime ever manages to achieve a working collaborative arrangement after separation. But they do.

Mothers and fathers of all socio-economic groups achieve collaborative and private arrangements after separation, some of whom continue into grandparenthood in their collaborative and interdependent post separation relationships. It is not the case either that only middle class parents collaborate, we have worked across all groups of families and seen collaborative agreements at work. The features of these are interesting and the work of the Centre for Separated Families is framed upon them. Where collaboration works, parents have dealt with the ending of their adult relationship, have overcome the grief and loss and sadness and have continued to see the value of their children having two parents. In these families words like ‘access/contact/parent with care/non resident parent/all the other labels we like to stick on separated parents’ do not exist. To the very last one, in these families the names are mum and dad and the children grow up knowing that they are loved by each.

To get to this place, many families go through rocky times, made rockier by the legislation and services that raise barriers higher and higher until exhaustion sets in. Those barriers were built by someone and are kept in place by others, they lie outside of parents and, whilst they influence parental behaviour, it is not parents themselves who need to change, it is the architecture around them that must do so.

I have always said it, if we removed the rights based attitudes that fan the flames of entitlement and conflict tomorrow and replaced them with something that offered genuine care and understanding for the hell that is family separation, we would do a whole lot more families a very big favour.

There is a definite shift in policy towards supporting and promoting collaboration between parents after separation and after more than a decade I am relieved that this particular tide is turning and positive change may be possible (calibrating that hope against the kind of reports that I have been reading these past two weeks). Whilst I ricochet between hope and despair as I negotiate this turning tide, I am heartened in my efforts by the work of some very special people in this country, all of whom are determinedly building the future that they want to see in the world. Behind the scenes of the anger and frustration, I can see that there are people at work who like me, have realised that the way to a different world is showing not telling and, whilst I cannot promise to stop telling (as if), I shall be concentrating much harder upon showing in the months to come.

13 comments

  1. Anthony · December 1, 2012

    As always…a mightily perceptive dissection of another piece of ‘faux’ research. The gender bias of support services for mothers and against fathers began with the feminists in the ’60’s, as Erin Pizzey found to her personal cost and has gathered pace and strength ever since.The main reason being that these support services are run by women for women…the few men within them have on the whole ‘gone native’. It takes an Erin Pizzey or a Karen Woodall to have the courage to put their head above the parapet and say what is really going on. We need many more of them; as if a male says the same; it is just be seen as carping.

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    • Yvie · December 1, 2012

      Well said Anthony. You could not be more right.

      Like

  2. Jenny · December 1, 2012

    As always, Karen gets it in one!

    Thank you Karen. You truly have childrens’ best interests at heart.

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  3. Ken in NZ · December 1, 2012

    Karen you are an absolute gem – NZ needs a visit from you.

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  4. karenwoodall · December 2, 2012

    Sorry harry i am not getting into the argument again, you are now banned unless you have something to say that isnt badgering or going over old ground. My rules, my views, my blog. K

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  5. mnuttall75 · December 3, 2012

    Reblogged this on Martin Nuttall.

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    • karenwoodall · December 5, 2012

      El Dermo, I am trying to get the whiff of your Cuban Cigar onto the page, the moderation seems to be going haywire, but I have your comment and its ready to go up, am not ignoring you. K

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  6. dermo · December 7, 2012

    muy bien Karen.

    No bother at all.Tomorrow i have parenting time! A weekend of good fun beckons? Or as often happens now “chill out time”. We shall see, The fridge will be raided. The bread bin too. the nuances of separation will hold less fear for everyone because of your words and deeds.

    important work but then revolucion is always so,

    La Habana will beckon at some point?

    Until then gracias and more power to you.

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  7. karenwoodall · December 9, 2012

    hoping your weekend has been full of fun el Dermo and your Fridge is empty and the bread bin too and all around you is love and the ordinary everyday things that make those family ties unbreakable. Its funny isn’t it, its the ordinary time, that matters most. In the midst of a family get together this September, with our kids and grandchild around us, the moment I remember most is ironing in the kitchen whilst the kids (I say kids, they are all over 20 now) sat about discussing something or other and our grandson was in the other room with his granddad and for just a moment there I caught the sense of a family joined up and playing together….I never really had that in my life, my husband, daugther and my two step children never really had it either, all of us from separated family situations of one kind or another. That deep sense that the arms of the world are around us. So many can take that for granted and so many cannot because of family separation and it takes dedication, love, understanding and determination to get to that place as a step family and the same to rebuild those ties as a separated family (especially as a dad for all the reasons I have talked about over the years). But it can be done, those ties are unbreakable in my experience and, whilst too many do not get the chance to tend those ties (because of the determination of the other parent and their family to interfere with it), when you do get chance it is like coming home. As my grandmother used to say to me, there’s nothing like being with your own folk’ and she was right. Your children will stand a better chance in their lives by being with their own folk on both sides of their family. Ours, well, lets say that after thirteen years, the memory print of being together overrides the differences and whilst we never really stood much of a chance of being a family (for all of the usual reasons..see above…), we do find that we have each become, for each other, our own folk.

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    • Kat · December 10, 2012

      And I grew up shielded from all of this. In a family full of strife and alienation my parents ensured that I was never touched by it. Now that I have a better understanding of the family dynamics strange little incidences make sense. Not that they bothered me as a child, but obviously they were strange enough to be lodged in my memory. My grandmother was the alienator supreme in the family and did she cause trouble. Even today decades after her death she is taboo in the family. However, as my mum always says, to me she was a great grandmother whom I loved dearly.

      I owe a lot of this to my dad, when he and my mum met, she was estranged from her parents. He gave her the strength to reconnect with them. He was the only one in the family whom my grandmother could never manipulate and she hated him for it.
      Today would have been my dad’s birthday.His thoughfulness, his considered outlook on life and his advice on how to handle difficult situations and people are still missed.

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  8. Ben · December 11, 2012

    The idea that one wants to share the care so that they can avoid higher child maintenance is interesting and telling.

    First, it doesn’t make sense, because in sharing the care, a father’s financial situation actually deteriorates, since he can no longer work full time.

    Second, what it suggests to me is that there are strong economic motivations to wanting to maintain the status quo, in the sense that the state is afraid of having to compensate mothers for the lower maintenance that they get as a result of sharing the care. Instead, what the state should be doing (if the Equalities minister did her job properly) is encourage women and men alike to be working.

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  9. el dermo · December 19, 2012

    “That deep sense that the arms of the world are around us.”

    Beautiful words Karen and of course a tribute to you as parents to take the white heat of separation and transform it into that most central element of human need. A home and love.

    My old man as you will know was a soldier and we moved often. Empty tea chests were part of the childhood psyche. The last book i bought for him was “Lake Wobegone Days”..
    The author drives out heading for town as he has run out of cigarettes. the mid west snow is deep and returning home the car stalls.and stops near a neighbours home. He has left the cigarettes on the counter in town..

    ” A pretty dumb trip…He could have driven his car straight into the ditch and saved everyone the worry. but what a lucky man. Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to to see is what you would have wanted had you known….he starts out on the short walk to the house where people love him and will be happy to see his face.”

    What better place for you all to be?.

    He died that year. Inside i wrote the date and thanked him for ” being my auld fella and the best”.

    Thanks to judge (Irish famine name) i will have Christmas eve daytime, Two hours on Christmas day. Then boxing day overnight. The craic will be mighty and on the former we will be baking Danish gingerbread for maternal nan who is half Danish. A recipe from a good friend who has herself seen PA at first hand. Its ironic as nan has been the main driver in excluding dads from her grand children s lives. Her own father was an abusive alcoholic. Either way she’s going to get some Danish gingerbread from her grand children with “i love nan” on. The gloves are off . Irish stubbornness meets Danish confectionery?
    Jesus could be like “the cod wars” but sugar and flour based?

    Tonight i spoke to a loving father who may well lose his children in our family law shambles. A father too who is concerned that his “depression” may be used against him in court. he has not seen his two children in three years. Its a long hard road. More than i could ever understand. Those who walk it have my empathy and love.

    I also looked today at a beautiful picture. A friend. On Facebook. A dad who had gone through the “system” and walked. A picture of him with his arms around his son and daughter now aged nineteen and twenty.they look happy. contented more. Like they had found that place that we all seek. The years between their journey to town? They had found that house in the snow. More power to you and to them also.

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  10. Andy · January 5, 2013

    When families split up the first consideration should be emotional support for all parties. Location is probably next on my list of priorities. Finance is not anything like as important. I don’t understand why we have the CSA (or whatever they call themselves now) at all. In fact if they did away with the CSA tomorrow families would be in a lot healthier place because they wouldn’t be continually trading off childcare time against financial support.

    In fact it would be brilliant because both parents would have equal pressures to find work and provide childcare. The gender divide would begin to crumble, or am I being hopelessly optimistic ?

    Kind regards

    Andy

    Like

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