No Blacks. No Irish. No Dads.

My work with families has, for a very long time, been underpinned by gender equality. This is not about rights and it’s not about equally shared parenting, both of which are about replacing one set of social values with another. Gender equality, however, as part of a society which offers equal opportunities, ensures that men and women are treated in ways that enable them to face the challenges in their lives and take up support that they need to make choices, free from stereotypes.

This work, which has led me through the years to the heart of the discriminatory policies and practice around the family, was kicked off almost fifteen ago by the experience of opening the door of our drop-in centre to a young man in tears. In his arms he held a three month old baby. As I helped him in with his pushchair, he struggled to speak. I made him a cup of tea and helped him to settle into one of our armchairs to give his baby a bottle. As he fed the child, he told me what had just happened to him. What I didn’t know then was that his story would start, for me, the journey towards excavating my whole professional practice and my understanding of what it is to truly support families in crisis.

This young man, let’s call him Sean, was nineteen years old. His baby son was just three months old that week. Sean had been living with his son’s mother until two days previously, when she told him she was leaving to work abroad. Sean, in his shock and his despair was, quite literally, left holding the baby. Either he could care for it, his partner had told him, or it would go into care.

Sean had, that morning, pulled himself together enough to try and work out what to do. He had been working in a part-time job and living with a friend along with his son and his partner. The friend, however, was also leaving with his partner to go and work abroad. Sean faced the loss of his partner, the loss of his home and the prospect of caring for his baby son, alone. His own family lived many miles away in Scotland and he was estranged from his father.

He had decided, earlier that day, that the best thing for him to do would be to go to the Housing Department of the local Council and ask to be put on the housing list. Sean didn’t know much about housing policy, he only knew that he was in desperate need. Three hours later, after being threatened with the Police by the Housing Officer who interviewed him, he had stumbled out into the street in tears; bewildered, frightened and humiliated. Whoever had thrust the leaflet for our help centre into his hands that day, was his Guardian Angel; and mine…

Sean’s journey was the start of my journey. As I listened to this young man tell me of the humiliation of being placed in a room and interrogated about the baby, about his motive for asking for housing, about whether or not he had ‘borrowed’ the baby to make a fraudulent claim, I began the laborious process of putting the jigsaw pieces of understanding together. The understanding that has, some fifteen years later, pushed us, in our work with families, on and on and on to find the key that will unlock the door of perception for those who allow this misery to be perpetrated.

I say misery. I should really say discrimination. Discrimination of the kind not seen since the cards in the windows saying NO BLACKS, NO IRISH were accepted and common place. A discrimination which runs rife throughout our family services and which is condoned, supported and reinforced by government after successive government. A discrimination which perpetuates the acceptance of policies and practice which effectively state NO DADS whilst consistently blaming dads for not being part of their children’s lives. Just like NO BLACKS, NO IRISH (we don’t want them because we have preconceived ideas about who they are), NO DADS says ‘we don’t want them because we have preconceived ideas about who the proper parent is’. As such, it reveals everything about our insitutionalised acceptance of discrimination against men as fathers.

The Housing Officer who had interviewed Sean had, eventually, threatened to call the police if he did not confess to having ‘borrowed the baby’. At this juncture, Sean had escaped, his son in his arms, and made his way to us. When we telephoned the Housing Department we were told that ‘young men cannot be single parents’ and the phrase ‘he has borrowed the baby to make a fraudulent claim’ was repeated. It took us sixteen months to challenge that Local Authority, who eventually admitted to gender discriminatory practice and housed Sean and his son.

Sean and his son were finally safe and, in my mind, so were other dads out there who may need the help of that Housing Department in the future – our work with the Local Authority having protected others from discrimination.

Scratch that last sentence and fast forward to August 2013. Same Housing Department, same Local Authority, a young man with a daughter living in one room and at risk of homelessness. A young man who receives Child Benefit, a young man who is legally his daughter’s ‘primary carer’. A young man who was, early last week, telephoned by the Housing Department to be told that he was not entitled to housing because ‘his daughter could live with her mother.’ Was this a case of NO DADS written large in housing policy? We checked it. Apparently not. NO DADS, however, was written right through housing practice in the shape of the female housing officer who presumed that this dad was ‘pretending to be the primary carer in order to obtain housing.’

Fifteen years separates Sean from this dad. It took a civil rights movement to stop the NO BLACKS, NO IRISH policies that discriminated against vulnerable people back then. What will it take to stop the NO DADS policy currently alive and kicking in this Local Authority and that social work team and every feminist Social Policy Department in the universities across this god forsaken land?

Sean’s son is now going on sixteen. Last I heard, he was doing well and preparing for his GCSE’s, happy with his dad and his step mum. The family still live in the house that took sixteen months of struggle to obtain for Sean. But one happy ending is not enough. How many more fathers and their children in this country are going to find themselves in the same position as Sean or the young man this week who is starting to realise that being a dad does not automatically entitle him to respect, care and equality of opportunity?

Until fathering is respected, valued and championed for the wonderful thing that it brings to childrens lives. Until fathers can expect – routinely, without exception, without question – the dignity of being treated with absolute care. Until we root out and destroy those discriminatory attitudes which are accepted, tolerated, perpetuated and created by people who would, in another era, have cards in their windows saying NO BLACKS, NO IRISH HERE, your son and mine will be left like those other oppressed groups in the past; homeless, hopeless and blamed for it. And their children, for whom those who perpetuate this misery and discrimination are supposedly concerned about? Homeless and hopeless, too, simply for having a father caring for them and not a mother.

NO BLACKS, NO IRISH is banned now but has been replaced by NO DADS and no-one appears to care. For shame. That is not the kind of society that I want to live in. Do you?

4 comments

  1. Johnnie · August 18, 2013

    Karen, the huge difference between the Civil Rights issues of the ’60s and the challenges faced by fathers in the system, post-family separation, is that the racism that was so blatantly expressed by the ‘No Blacks, No Irish’ signs, or the ‘No Colored’ in the USA, affected and incensed every single black person, and many whites too, of the time. Martin Luther King Jnr had a huge following for this reason; he was speaking to every African American in the nation. Even the very few black people who were ‘OK’ and didn’t really need things to change, still knew what was going on. With the institutionalised sexism against fathers, in the courts and various agencies, it is only the small percentage of men who are unfortunate enough to go through this system that are left sufficiently angry (yes I said ‘angry’ – men are allowed to get angry) and wronged to want to do something about it. Most people (men and women) don’t even know that such a system exists, and I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve heard someone say, ‘Take it to court. You’re her father – you have rights’, or ‘she can’t do that – it’s illegal.’

    We are too few and our voice is too quiet. F4J activists will always be portrayed as ‘angry men’, in the same way that demonstrating black men in 1960s America were initially portrayed as unruly blacks by their white oppressors. I can’t see how/when things will change. I know that I want to change my career and I want to do the sort of things you do.

    If you asked a white judge in Alabama back in Dr King’s time, whether a black person should be allowed to eat in the same part of a diner, or sit in the same seats on a bus, as a white person, they would undoubtedly have said ‘No’ and given reasons why blacks are less than whites. If you asked any judge today in the Family Courts, or any CAFCASS officer, whether fathers should be allowed to be equal parents to mothers, they would say that the entire system is fair and does not discriminate and each case is unique and judged on its own merits.

    The ‘No Blacks, No Irish’ signs were something undeniable to fight against.
    The ‘No Dads’ signs will never be displayed. I wish they would, as we’d have something to visible to point to when rallying the troops…

    Like

  2. Harry · August 18, 2013

    Incredibly powerful article…the only exception that I would have is that this a perfect description of the evidence of a MATRIARCHAL society – i.e. one which has completely by-passed the task of creating a truly FEMINIST society – which is the one it seems to me Karen stands for.

    What to do about it?

    I don’t think that protests on the streets will achieve the kind of society that Karen is talking about. I would suggest that what are needed most of all are quiet, determined, down to earth projects of all kinds which involve men and women working together as equals…i.e. deserving of equal respect…regardless of gender differences.

    Secondly, we need to lobby people with at least some decision making power – local Councillors and Council Officers about our concerns, using any examples that we may come across, as well as the relevant MP’s when appropriate – in order to challenge matriarchal and sexist attitudes towards men wherever and whenever we find them.

    Thirdly, we need to find spokespeople who have been matriarchs…but have come to see the error of their ways…and who now will speak out about this – in support of true feminism.

    In this way, I feel we need to take back the term “feminism” from those matriarchal elements who have appropriated it, and use it once again in its egalitarian form. I still think it is the best term we have to describe the type of society that those of us contributing on this blog seem to want.

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  3. exInjuria · August 18, 2013

    Will Self’s article in today’s Mail seems quite apposite: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2396222/Branded-paedophile-hiking-son-WILL-SELF-reveals-nightmare.html

    If you are a father on your own with a child you are viewed with suspicion – this is today’s reality for single fathers and indeed any father who has decided to take his child out while Mum stays at home and puts her feet up. I can remember the funny looks and the cross-examination when I took my son to have his vaccinations, or to the dentist – simply because I was the one with the car and my working hours allowed me to do it. Much of this fear has been cooked up by organisations like the NSPCC – precisely those which know what the real risks are and should know better, but for whom generating a state of distrust and curtain-twitching is a lucrative business.

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  4. Bartholomew · August 19, 2013

    Excellent article again.

    I have a few observations.

    1) I was a little surprised that Sean got to keep his baby. I thought the default position was that a man had to go to court against the LA to obtain residency if a mother left after or died. Or is that just for grandparents?

    2) I was a little surprised that Sean was not told that he was unfit or mentally ill when he broke down in tears, and had the baby taken away. I’ve been told both outside and inside court that showing any emotion or sadness was a sign that I could not parent. I’ve had solicitors tell me this. And when the judge said that being emotional about anything would be bad for me, the implication was that contact would not be allowed at all.

    3) Now that I have seen and experience what I have, the full powers of discrimination that Karen speaks of, I am not at all surprised that Sean was threatened with the police just for visiting a housing officer. Imagine if the same happened to a mother though? There would be outcry of the loudest kind by all right-thinking men and women. For some reason, it was acceptable to treat Sean like garbage.

    Thanks to Karen, maybe the world might be a nicer place some day.

    Like

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