I am an alienated child.

I am an alienated child, I am sure of myself and the world that I live in, I know what is true and what is not and I have been told many stories about you from the past as well as the present.  When you try to tell me that what I believe is wrong I know that this is confirmation of everything they say about you, you are tricking me, you are trying to control me, you are dangerous to me and those who love me.

I am an alienated child, I am self righteous and indignant if anyone dares to suggest that what I know to be true is wrong.  I will not listen to you or to anyone who tries to stand up for you, I will cut out of my life in a second the people who do not agree with my point of view.

I am an alienated child, I have silenced half of my genetic heritage which I deny, despise and demolish in confident attacks on that part of me that I have severed from my consciousness.  What ‘they’ tell me is absorbed as the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I believe without question all of the things that they tell me you are.

I am an alienated child, I am sometimes aware of a terror which beats its wings deep down inside of me.  This terror comes when my external reality does not match my internal belief system.  When it comes I become aggressive and out of control, I need to get away from you quickly.  I find myself making things up to get away from you.  Sometimes I tell others that you have hurt me and frightened me, even though I know, deep down inside, that this not true.

I am an alienated child sometimes I am lonelier than I believe it is possible to be but I hide from that by surrounding myself with people who reflect back to me my own reality.  Even then, sometimes, I miss you  and wonder why I have to keep on behaving this way.

I am an alienated older child, at times the cognitive dissonance screams so loudly in my ears that I have to cover them up or hide from the reality that I see right in front of me.  I have grown to a place where I can see the things that have been done to me are wrong but still I do not have the courage to put them right, I do not feel big enough yet to face ‘them’ but I know who they are.

I am an alienated adult child, I am starting to realise that whatever ‘they’ say about the parent I have been forced to reject, he is still MY father.  I am starting to understand that mothers and fathers are not divided into all perfect and all bad, I am starting to realise that the step parent who was forced into the place of MY father is not MY father.

I am an alienated adult child  and the parts of myself that were pushed into the shadows are starting to come into the light.

One day I look in the mirror and I see my father’s face, my grandfather’s eyes, my great grandfather’s smile. That half of myself that I cut off and threw away is emerging before my eyes.

The man in me, so long silenced, is ready.  My father, the other half of my genetic self is too.

Love knows no boundaries, no time zones, no limits.

And it brooks no interference either, when an alienated child emerges with his wings.

35 comments

  1. Oakland Magpie · October 18, 2014

    Thank you Karen, this hit me hard, as one who was alienated and one who has been alienated.

    Like

    • karenwoodall · October 20, 2014

      Hi OM, Our research shows that alienated children are at risk of becoming alienated parents as well as the risk of becoming alienating parents. This is, we think, because the trauma pattern of alienation causes the internalised parenting blue print which is formed throughout childhood (we learn to parent by being parented ourselves) is interrupted and distorted. This leaves the alienated child with a dysfunctional parenting template so that when they become parents this emerges leaving them vulnerable to being attracted to alienators.

      Like

      • Oakland Magpie · October 25, 2014

        I can certainly see that. I was deeply afraid of behaving like my parents so I did the opposite and it was wonderful for a very long time. But because he knew me so well, he knew how to destroy me. I wonder how many alienators are adopted…my ex had severe abandonment issues and I believe sometimes I’m a stand in for his birth mother when it comes to punishment.

        Like

  2. Gerard Maroney · October 18, 2014

    Thank you Karen: It feels as if the 20-odd years of experience in these matters of the child’s heart have saturated you and this poetic blog post is an expression of that understanding.

    I will be contacting you through the Family Separation Clinic shortly.

    Best wishes

    Like

    • karenwoodall · October 20, 2014

      HI Gerard, do you have our email address to come through to me directly? K

      Like

  3. CitymanMichael (@CitymanMichael) · October 18, 2014

    Beautiful

    Like

    • karenwoodall · October 20, 2014

      painful too Cityman but true ..K

      Like

  4. LovesBlues · October 19, 2014

    Reblogged this on MyDivorcePain and commented:
    I don’t want to wait that long to see them again

    Like

    • karenwoodall · October 20, 2014

      and you don’t have to wait, you can do practical things that change dynamics that help things along. Sometimes though when the alienation is very powerfully entrenched, the most powerful thing you can do is wait. K

      Liked by 1 person

  5. john dangerfield · October 19, 2014

    Nice words. Would it not be a wonderful thing if the whole issue of alienation was dealt with as child abuse. The child’s mind is filled with untruths and lies from one who purports to love the child yet feeds there minds with there own distorted bitter and twisted reasonings. The child is often frightened of the perpetrators as they are aware of what happens to the people who dare challenge there behavior.The law as it stands is blinkered in misguided and willful neglect. Solicitors are accountable for many thousands of women believing they are wonderful yet they abuse their children’s vulnerability. What can a loving father do about witnessing such pain in his children?. As long as abbusers have such protection from the corrupt system…… nothing!! Meanwhile those abused and damaged children become the next generation of abusers. It’s ok to say ..be patient, things may change in time.. as a loving father to 3 children I can tell you that the pain and hurt and helplessness never goes away. The damage on the children is with them for the rest of their lives. It is child abuse of the highest level. .not just a sick fact of life that we have to accept. It is a unique and protected reserve of the female..protected by females and administered by females, based on misguided views that there are the fairer sex, when in fact they have less understanding and true love for their children and their needs , and overules the human rights of all others. It’s child abuse….. p’s it would be nice to see some posts from Mr Wood all to gain the ballance of the male perspective. Keep up the good work.

    Like

    • Elle · October 20, 2014

      Hi John, I realise that many fathers have been deeply traumatised by the mothers of their children through parental alienation and feel, rightly so, that the family court system dominated by female CAFCASS officers collude with the mother. Now I understand this phenomenon I have seen it first hand – mothers abusing in this way – and it pains me greatly.

      But John, please remember, mothers get alienated also – and it is just as painful and traumatising when it strikes, as it is for fathers.

      It is child abuse and the children suffer beyond comprehension. It is just not a ‘unique and protected reserve of the female’, as you put it, but something much more complex than it being just a gender issue.

      Like

      • Nikki Savory · February 17

        In my experiance the CAFCASS officer was pro men, not the other way round.

        Liked by 1 person

      • karenwoodall · February 17

        more like anti – mother whose children say they don’t want to see her perhaps ?? Family service workers can be very anti mother in these circumstances. It is one of my pet beefs, that people who work in this field do not have to undergo equalities training.

        Liked by 1 person

    • karenwoodall · October 20, 2014

      Nick Woodall blogs at http://www.nickwoodall.net this is my blog John.

      We will soon however be migrating all blogs about alienation to our new site – this blog will then be my commentary space on family separation and all things to do with gender politics.

      I agree that PA is child abuse, no doubt about that in my mind.

      Not just the reserve of women however, men alienate too and when they do they are very very successful at it, different dynamics prevail but the outcome is just the same, this IS a gender issue because the systems enable alienation to occur and it is mainly women who do it because the system supports them to do so. However, those men who dominate women enough to get hold of the power do make use of it just the same with devastating impact.

      K

      Liked by 1 person

      • Elle · October 20, 2014

        Hi Karen,

        I feel upset at times when I think that the mothers who are alienated from their children can get even further alienated when this issue gets perceived as being ‘just a gender issue’. Maybe noone here perceives this as being just a gender issue but I say ‘just’ a gender issue because sometimes it can feel like this to me.

        I agree wholeheartedly that there is, of course, a gender issue at play, but being a mother who has been alienated I know it is more complex than this.

        Sometimes it can be painful to feel as if alienated mothers are not given the same empathy by those who perceive this as a gender issue. Yet it is just as painful for mothers who are alienated.

        During an educational workshop I have had alienated fathers think that I was a CAFCASS officer rather than an alienated parent purely because I am a female.

        I’d like to speak up for alienated mothers and increase awareness that this isn’t just something that only happens to the masculine by the feminine, as it can sometimes come across. It also strikes at the heart of many mothers and their children.

        I know you cover this on your blog Karen and I am grateful for your empathy and wisdom on a whole range of issues that I find fascinating and challenging. I love to read your comments as much as your posts.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Linda Turner · October 20, 2014

    Reblogged this on PARENTS HEALING FROM ESTRANGEMENT and commented:
    A must read for any parent of an alienated child. Good to see the view from the alienated side.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. john dangerfield · October 20, 2014

    Hi Eli. It’s very difficult sometimes to remember that others are going through the same trauma, and yes I truly feel for you. I wish you all the best to stay strong, and hopefully things will get better.john

    Like

    • Elle · October 21, 2014

      Hi John, It’s a bit of a sore spot for me.

      I realise that so many fathers and their children have been deeply emotionally scarred by the mothers of their children, and personally I think parental alienation is one of the cruellest forms of abuse that exists; but mothers get alienated too and its just as hard and painful. I guess I want alienated fathers to remember this 🙂 when it might feel like it’s just mean mothers who damage in this way.

      I was thinking also I may have misunderstood the gender issue. I reread some of Karen’s posts about this specifically and agree with her wholeheartedly. I am still learning and understanding and feel grateful to both Karen and Nick for their clarity and empathy in these matters.

      This post is also a reminder of how the alienated child feels, and this is where my heart truly breaks.

      I wish you all the best too John, it can be so difficult sometimes to stay strong in the face of this hurricane of abuse and to manage to hold it all together still.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Woodman59 · October 21, 2014

    I hope that there will come a time when my daughter can read this – and agree that this was her.

    I’m sure it may be some distance away, as the emphasis so far – has been on the denial, all round, that any alienation has taken place.

    For those involved to admit the truth – rather than pretend it never happened, is yet another challenge. Yet this is exactly what will be the most powerful factor in raising wide-scale awareness of the issue…the voice of the affected children.

    Like

  9. CG · October 22, 2014

    Woodman59 wish us luck.
    We’ve recently posted a file of papers to the Ombudsman, for the second time, about our second complaint to Cafcass regarding their negligent and incompetent handling of our case.
    It staggers me that a loving, safe, parent can be, effectively, thrown in jail (forcibly removed from the society of their child) based on the ( expressed and certainly not ascertainable) words of a minor, about whom everyone agrees is clearly suffering and exhibiting extreme behaviours, but regarding these behaviours, conflicted as they are, no-one seeks to question the deeper reasons, and, as you say, colludes in shameful, harmful denial of the abuse that is clear for those with open eyes to see.
    Included in the pack of papers are copies of two of Cafcass’s own in-house practitioner guidelines/templates ( the ‘Coached Children: Understanding the Impact of Parental Alienation Knowledge Bite’ and the ‘Impact of Parental Conflict Tool’ – both of which can be found as attachments here
    https://www.whatdotheyknow.com/request/coruption ). Our complaint to the Ombudsman, amongst other details, opines that these two practitioner tools were, clearly, not used in our case, otherwise the outcome would (hopefully, if used competently but that’s another matter) have been different.
    However, we have learnt to have no hope, so these last documents go off into the darkness and we carry on ahead into the waiting room of time, to continue working hard on staying strong, healthy and ready, for the day, should it come, when the child at the heart of all this grows strong enough, and wise enough, to come back to us.

    Like

    • Woodman59 · October 23, 2014

      Yes, agreed, it is very important to keep the pressure up, even when we don’t see any obvious outcome. Thank you for providing the further useful resource.

      http://www.parental-alienation.info/

      Like

    • Luke Matthews · November 20, 2014

      CG I also wish you the very best of luck. Your case sounds near identical to mine. I also went the Ombudsman (about 4 years ago now) and despite me try to put my case across as objectively and assertively as I could, after much to’ing and fro’ing, the ultimate reply was there was nothing could be done as a decision had already been reached by the Family Court. I have kept all correspondence and reports associated with the Ombudsman, CAFCASS and Social Services and one day I am hoping to get my case re-opened, hopefully with the help of my daughter (who unfortunately after 10 years still wants noting to do with me) so that justice will prevail and the sheer incompetence of these bodies can be exposed. I sincerely hope 4 years down the line you will have more success than me. Eventually someone has to wake up and realise that with the number of complaints being made, there IS something seriously wrong with our current system.

      Like

      • Cathryn Goodwin · November 23, 2014

        Thank you Luke. I don’t hold out any hope but I do think we’ve done all that we could do. Best wishes for the future.

        Like

  10. patriarchal landmine · October 23, 2014

    so many millions of men and children have experienced what we have now. there is no going back from this point.

    Like

  11. pudnegg · October 24, 2014

    Reblogged this on It is what it is! and commented:
    This is amazingly powerful!

    Like

  12. Gwen Mitchell · October 25, 2014

    I am a grandmother of 3grandchildren that is caught up with DOCS and I think it is despicable that they take children from a familiar home and place them into unfamiliar homes….and we went from seeing the children everyday when they were home to every two weeks to once a month to now only seeing then every four months for 3hours now if this is not another form of abuse what is it this is so cruel that the DOCS is allowed to get away with this kind of treatments to families and children who gave them this law and power to stop children from seeing their families on more regular visits it’s an insidious law and something needs to be changed to stop DOCS from alienating families from one another….👎to the system and DOCS

    Like

  13. Luke Matthews · November 12, 2014

    I am a father of an alienated daughter and I have now not seen her in over ten years (she is now 19). The situation got so bad about 4 years ago that I was blackmailed into relinquishing my parental rights so my daughter could be adopted by her stepfather. There appears nothing I can do now as I have been told to try and not make contact (not even send Christmas cards). There are times when I understandably feel very down about the whole but when I read articles such as that posted above, it does give me hope. Thank you so much for understanding and posting articles such as these.

    I got so incensed about the whole situation that it led me to write a book on my experiences, with the view of helping others. I hope one day that PA will be recognised for exactly what it is and eradicated from our society.

    Luke Matthews

    Author: Can’t Explain
    ‘A frightening tale of Parental Alienation Syndrome’

    Like

  14. Kelly Michaels · November 25, 2014

    I think you may be my guardian angel. I have seen her for a total of 92 hrs in over 3 yrs. Judge just ordered ALL VISITATIONS SUSPENDED. .As in ever. She is 9 yrs old. You gave me hope and strength that she will work through the lies and come back to me one day. Thank you.

    Like

  15. February · December 1, 2014

    my children have been successfully alienated against me from there father this happened very rapidly over the course of weeks they have been alienated from me for almost 6 years by there father who was also alienated from his mother for around 8 years my eldest daughter is now aside him alienating my son got her father and I believe to share the horror of it

    Like

  16. lisakillmon · December 4, 2014

    I got chills ready through this writing. Especially when I got to the last 2 phases, as my son (18) Proactively joined a call I was having with his brother recently. It had been 8 years since he had spoken to me, except for the court ordered ‘good bye’ therapy we had 1 year ago. He said more on that call then he did in the 1 hour forced therapy and he was kind in his words.
    What the judge did in my case to force his father to “bring him to reunification therapy or find his ‘butt’ in jail,” I believe, lead to this small break through. He had a slight chance to see that I was not this monster they had made me out to be, but instead, a well spoken, kind, well kempt lady-the mom he once loved.

    Like

  17. Shared Parenting Confessional · February 11, 2015

    Reblogged this on Shared Parenting Confessional and commented:
    An alienated child shares her thoughts and matters of the heart.

    Like

  18. Gerald · February 17, 2015

    Touched by Karen’s story. I’m an alienated father, had no contact with my son since he was 12 , this year he will be 21. Yes 21, no pictures of him, don’t know if he works drives has a girlfriend nothing whatsoever. Went through all the avenues letters presents and courts to no avail, I’m so sad inside the hurt is unbearable sometimes, I try hard to carry on . I hate everything at the moment. My ex finished the marriage, she no longer loved me and I pay the price in not seeing my son. Inside I hold nothing but the truth for him to one day hopefully hear. I would like to on the Jeremy Kyle show for a showdown with her and above all a lie detector test. How dare people get away with that. It probably would have serious implications on his life. In my minds eye the picture I see of him is fading , that’s difficult to deal with . I have had nearly 8 years of his life taken from me and can never be returned. I hope one day my ex will feel the pain I feel. She laughs at me , she always did . Hey love is blind so they say.

    Like

  19. Pingback: Mothering Sunday is painful | pigletsmum
  20. Pingback: I am an alienated child. | Parental Alienation- UNCOVERED

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